Worse Than Death

I used to think nothing was worse than death.  As I don't believe in an afterlife (nor a before life), death means the end, the absolute end of an individual's consciousness.  The world will go on, but without you.  The individual no longer exists...except for what they leave behind.  That is a difficult concept to accept.  However, it is not a punishment.  As Paul Newman said in the 1967 Western movie Hombre, "We all die.  Just a question of when."

However, I have come to believe there are things worse than death.  Pain, terrible pain, without end, is worse.  Dying, in order to end the pain, would be preferable. 

Before my father died in 1981, I used to have occasional headaches.  There was always Tylenol in the house to end the pain.  When I traveled I always took some with me, except the trip to bury my father.  But what if there were nothing to treat the pain, only suffering, endless worsening pain?  

About 16 years ago, I began to feel pain in my perineum.  Tylenol didn't help.  My gastroenterologist never saw such a thing before.  A second one recommended as a solution an excruciating procedure (with no guarantee) that I anticipated would be worse than what I was experiencing.  I declined.  Thankfully, after a few months the pain disappeared and has never returned.  I now understand why some people commit suicide because of persistent, endless pain.

In season 5 of the Showtime series Ray Donovan, his wife Abby  (Irish actress Paula Malcomson), after suffering cancer and its treatments for many months, chooses to end her life on her own terms rather than continue the fight.  "I don't want another day."       
Then there is mental pain.  I heard once of a husband who accidentally injured his wife so badly she was confined to a wheelchair for the rest of her life.  How could a man live with himself after committing such a grievous blunder?  How could he look at her day after day for the rest of his life knowing what he had done to her?  

Recently, I watched an episode of the Netflix series Anne With an E (season 2) about a teenage girl named Anne raised on a farm in Canada at the end of the 19th Century.  Her mother, Marilla (British actress Geraldine James), who is suffering from an unidentified illness, exclaimed, "I won't be a burden to Anne."  

Marilla did not want Anne changing her life in order to care for her sickly mother.  If there were no other alternative, Marilla would prefer death than alter the course she was setting for Anne's bright future.

Unlike the USA where there is a whole industry that cares for the elderly, Brazilian culture dictates that families care for their aged parents.  My wife Cristina has already spent 25 years (and counting) enduring the burden of first caring of her father and now her mother.  

As I just celebrated my 73rd birthday, I realize I am closer to the end of my life than the beginning.  Of course, this could be true any time, but for sure at mine.  I don't know what will be my end, something quick or long lasting?  However, I know one thing:  "I won't be a burden to anyone."  It is not my wish to return to those halcyon days of my infancy when I could not care for myself (eating, bathing, eliminating).  

If my brain deteriorates to the point where I no longer know my loved ones, I would prefer death.  After all, as Mr. Carson said in the PBS series Downton Abbey (season 4), "The business of life is the acquisition of memories."